Behind the glamorous pictures of pastors and their wives on bill boards, church posters and journals; there are strong indications that not all are enjoying sweet homes.
Investigations carried out by our correspondent show that wives of some pastors especially top pastors are suffering in silence while their husbands on the other hand are also finding it difficult to flow with them.
The consequence is that some pastors now even wish their wives death while some have conveniently perfected ways of having extra-marital relationship while abandoning their wives. Unfortunately, many of the women going through turbulent times prefer to keep their woes out of public glare while their husbands too have perfected ways of equaling the deceptive game. They would rather paint an “all is well” picture to the outside world.
Want to live long as a pastor’s wife?
In his book, “The mature pastor’s wife and female minister,” Dr. Francis Akin John provides an exegesis on the challenges faced by women in ministry painting a graphic image of the depth of the problem.
He narrated another example of a meeting where some pastors indicated publicly that they would want their wives dead pointing out that “though not justified, yet it appeared that those pastors see the death of their wives as the only thing that can give them freedom to marry ‘better’ wives.
Dr. John who is the president of International Church Growth Ministries explained in the book that the genesis of crisis in many homes of pastors can be traced to inability of both the pastor and his wife to define roles and the lack of preparedness on the part of the wife to absorb the shock that comes from being a pastor’s wife.
To paraphrase his position in the book: “There are cases of those who are over-committed to their career. There are those who are seized by the spirit of comparison. They compare their husbands with others. Some pastor’s wives are also bitter against their husbands and complain of lack of care and love. They forget that being a pastor does not go with prosperity and unending flow of money. There are pastors’ wives that are also being oppressed by demons. Some have amorous relationship with male church members while many listen to wrong counsels and also deny their husbands of sex.”
To avoid the usual troubles faced in such homes Akin John counsels that the pastor’s wife should relate well with church members noting that there are all kinds of church members: There are the proud members, the green snake who want to manipulate you, the user, the backslider, the killer and the well-meaning members.
Going by these kinds of members he suggests in the book that the pastor’s wife should not be too familiar with church members, should not have skeleton in her cupboard, should not borrow money from them, should not be a talkative, should not be slave of food and should not allow members to play her role in the family.
He counseled further that the pastor’s wife should comport herself well in the church and show support for her husband’s ministry. “The pastor’s wife should never say she has not been called. She should believe in her husband’s ministry, encourage him when things are going bad, support him financially and help raise the children. He should regularly pray for him and create a conducive home for him and also should not give him room to look elsewhere for sex. It is the duty of the wife to make her husband happy and give him pleasure in the bedroom.”
Giving a clinical perspective to the issue, Dr. Mrs. Nike Akindayo observes that in many cases the wife of the pastor is the focal point in the church. “The pastor’s wife is sometimes at the receiving end of the annoyance of people with God. There are members of the church who also think the wife of the pastor does not deserve to be his wife. They believe the pastor is their pastor and as such his wife should not monopolize his attention. That is why the pastor’s wife has to seek to develop herself because she is the thermostat by which people will measure the success of the church. The expectations from the pastor’s wife and her children is high. So she has to keep improving on her life and relationship with people.”