Trapped In A Loveless Marriage I Don’t Love My Hubby Anymore



My name is simply Ojuola, I am in my early forties
officially married to a man from the same zone in Nigeria but I can tell you
that I don’t feel married but trapped. I need advice fast. My friends and I
have discussed this issue over the years; some said I should leave the marriage
while some are against it.
I have actually been married for over ten years and we
have been blessed with two kids. I am a successful businesswoman by all
standards, I can travel and give myself and my children a treat to anywhere in
the world if I so desire at anytime.

The genesis of the problem started from courtship I
think we really did not get to know each other and courted for few months.I have
been disappointed several times by guys I thought were meant for me, by the
time I met my husband, I was not even thinking of marriage. I had given up, I
was in my late twenties then.

But funny enough he proposed immediately and because he
was presentable and had prospects, I accepted especially because my parents had
been putting great pressure on me to get married.
We courted for few months and had a mini society
wedding that was the talk-of-the-town then, as I was already a ‘big girl’ working
in an oil consultancy firm.
The kids (two)came almost immediately and in between
the early years of marriage, I realised we hardly speak to each other even when
we had no marital squabbles. He can keep malice whenever he chooses, after my second
child, he did not talk to me for six months except to drop baby expenses and
ask for food or on rare occasions, sex. If there was a stay-at-home or holiday,
the two of us will have nothing to discuss other than food, household expenses
or the kids.

We are not friends at all. Absolutely no bond which is
strange to me. I have always been soul mates with anybody I have ever dated and
best of confidants.
To crown it all, he started making passes at some of
members of my staff he comes across, I was able to find out when a particular
girl confessed that he asked her to go wait in a nearby hotel. Another time I
caught him with a 12-year-old maid who has been living with us from the tender
age of 9 as family, this was right after he just finished making love to me.

I confronted him and he apologised but from time eight
to nine years ago,I will say all iota of love I ever had disappeared because I
cannot understand, get over or  forgive
child abuse. it could be anybody’s child.I continued with the unhappy marriage because
of my parents who says there is no divorce history in our family.
Then, the violence began.  I have ran to the streets naked because of
serious beating before. If I argue with him or come home late due to traffic or
work, I will be beaten blue black, there was a time I could not see for two
weeks and ran away without the kids but when I was healed,I came back because
of the kids and reported him to his pastor and threatened to put my battered
face picture in the papers. This worked because he never laid his hands on me
thereafter.
But I can say in one year we may not make love more
than 3 times because I usually refuse because we never communicate at all or
even smile to each other and he expects me to be in the mood to make love, it’s
better he visits prostitutes as far as I am concerned.
At the moment he is sleeping with the current maid but
I don’t care because she is not the first, second or third—they are not the
real problems as far as I am concerned .If he travels, I usually feel relieved,
is this normal?
I am scared for my future as I believe marriage is for
companionship and I don’t have companion to talk to outside my family and few
friends. Meanwhile, outside is full of fake, jealous supposed friends and dupes
who will not be there for you in time of trouble.
Things I believe are not normal:
·       He
has never bought me a recharge card before
·       We
never gist on phone to find out what is happening to the other unless to pass
on a particular message but he gets upset when he sees me chatting endlessly on
phone with friends, I must confess, I deserve an award when it gets to this.
·       We
never gist or laugh together not to talk of pray together
·       We
never attend parties together, even if we are both invited, he will sneak out
without me and vice versa. If we eventually go together, we will fight at the
venue or he will leave within 45mins, meanwhile I may be ready to stay for four
hours.
·       A
sibling of his and a pastor friend have told me before that we do not act as
couple as they have never seen us exchange affection, smile or even gist in
public, I didn’t know what to say except: how did I end up with this grossly
incompatible partner?
·        Meanwhile friends envy me because na fine boy
but I am ready to exchange him for a plain man that will make me laugh forever.
Is that too much to ask?
·       When
I see display of affection by other couples, I actually feel jealous. In fact I
feel single and unmarried. At times I wish one of the maids can get pregnant so
I can escape the marriage.
With or without assurance of getting another spouse, I
think its time to go, my single or separated friends scare me that the men
outside are worse and that at least the society respects me as married, but
what if I go nuts? Will society look after my kids?
I am tempted to have relationships but because I am
well known, it will likely blow open and cause scandal so I now dedicate my
time to work, church and the children. Can I continue like this? I don’t have
any other relationship now but I don’t think I deserve to continue in this facade
called marriage.
I have told him its better we stop pretending and
divorce but he claims he loves me and does not want divorce. With this kind of
love, I prefer hatred. He can NEVER change his character.
Readers please advise me.


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